The Search

 i felt like i've lost myself for years.

time for some soul searching.

time for v3.0.

TOXIC

I'm thirty and I'm still getting sucked into others' whirlwind of emotions.
just because we're blood related, it doesn't give you the excuse/right to hurt me and/or others.


where's the emotional intelligence, rationale, beliefs, integrity and conscience?
were they even there in the first place?


how do you deal with delusional narcissists where communication doesn't work for them?

Blog

just a decade ago, keeping blogs was a huge trend.
now i'm wondering who still reads this?

i remembered back then when i still had a group of avid readers.
hahhaa.
i would get shocked whenever someone whom i would least expect to read my posts.
Example?
Friends and families of my friends.

ok, gotta admit that i did enjoy the attention a little.
=x


however, the most memorable moment was when my polytechnic facilitator pointed my blog out during class.
it was a post about me "ranting" how sleepy i was DURING HER CLASS.
HAHHAHAH ultimate shock of my life.

till now, i didn't figure how she found out about it but it turned out she wasn't offended.
instead she was fascinated by it and ever since we became "closer"?
she was probably the first and only person that had commended my writing skills and encouraged me to pursue it.

unfortunately, i didn't take it seriously and had stopped writing.
i even stopped reading, which would be a huge mistake as i gotta admit that my english language had probably deteriorated over the years.



[edited]

totally got distracted.
and as usual i didn't get any work done.

i think i should really get active and do some exercise.
it is said to help improve one's energy level and attention span.
 which i'm clearly lacking of.
hahahhah.

Am I?

have I reached the age where I start to appreciate the every little thing in life?


[edited on 20/08/18]

the above sentence was written by me few weeks back.
i wrote that because emotions start to slightly hit me at every little thing that reminds me of the past.
age is catching up and all's left is the memories.
literally felt the meaning of "You Only Live Once".

anyway, the reason I'm blogging it's because last weekend had me thinking.
i attended a funeral of an elderly whom I knew previously from my volunteering.
kinda sudden to me as i always thought she would outlive others (considering being so healthy and positive).
thank god, she passed away peacefully and in the presence of people who care for her.

i know it's not a huge news that deserves a blog post.
but what hits me is that, i just came to realize that there were 3 funerals on saturday.
i didn't attend the other 2 funerals cause i don't really know them directly.

3 funerals.
old age, cancer, accident.
90, 60, 30 years old range.

i heard the stories/events leading up to their deaths (old age & cancer) and it's kinda heartbreaking.
how does it feel to be preparing others for your own funeral?
though it seems in-superstitious but i think it could be necessary.


at first i thought the elderly's funeral would be a quiet one (since she was unmarried). 
but she had distant relatives and grandchildren whom were still in close contact with her.
her cheery attitude was what made her leave a significant impact even though she had left.
it made me wonder, am i leading a fullest or meaningful life before i leave?
do i have something good for others to remember me by?

TWENTY NINE

is it a norm to be "afraid" of birthdays as we get older?
GEEZ.
i'm definitely not enjoying the attention as much as before.


anyway, i'm trying to achieve a couple of things before I hit 30.
exciting!
plus i'm already goals for the next "checkpoint": 35 years old.

BOTTLED UP

it's "amazing" how some people cannot read others.
they can't tell from body languages.
they can't read in between the lines.
they can't sense the tones.

if only they would listen, then maybe i won't be this pissed.

don't they know that they reap what they sow?
how gullible can they be?

totally frustrated with the fact that certain people just like to coop in their own "fantasy world", refusing to learn the facts and accept the reality.

you cannot expect to see any changes in your life if you, yourself refuse to change.
we all live in one world and you can't expect it to revolve around you.
like how self-centered are you?

don't even think of helping others if you don't even realize that you are the one that needed help.
because you'll only be more of a burden than any help.


------------------------------------------------------


i need solitary.

Monthly Update?

geez.
it has been a month since my last update.

well, i had a month of break and it's almost time to catch up with both school and work.
April is soooooo gonna be a busy month for me.
maybe i should plan a trip.
For May?
For January?

oh btw, i'm blogging from my office.
most of times, i've only got my boss to talk to and sometimes when she's not around, i would barely speak a word for the day.

WAIT.
i think there were times i can go through ONE WHOLE DAY WITHOUT SPEAKING A SINGLE WORD.
what the crap!?!


anyway, chanced upon this song and it felt so right listening to it when you're by yourself during a quiet afternoon.
lol.